Lance Fucking Henriksen's Blog

What the hell?

2005-12-29T00:40:00.000-08:00

Ol' LFH has been busy spreading the holiday cheer, but he took a few minutes to stop by and update his blog. Noticing the increase of comments, I clicked the link to see how my fans were praising me. What to my wondering eyes should appear? Spammers!

Someone dares to Spam ol' LFH, and at Christmas time, no less! Outraged, I say. This will not stand.

LFH promises to track them down and individually pluck their testicles like swollen, rip berries. With pliers.

It's almost New Year's, and that means it is the time of the year a lot of my fans make resolutions. Without fail, some jerk-off always asks LFH what his resolution is. You know what? LFH's resolution this year is the same as it is every year: To kick more ass than I did last year, and have twice as much fun doing it.

And update my blog more often. You can take that prescription to the pharmacy.

Peace Out!

Sainthood is Imminent

2005-08-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Even the Big Cheese looks my way and smiles!

Get It While It's Hot!

2005-08-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

LFH has decided to publish a semi-personal email address where you can send fan mail, hate mail and questions!

You can now write to me at: lancefh@gmail.com

I won't answer any stupid questions, don't even think about it!

No fan boys!

Just keep it real.

Who The Hell Are These People?

2005-08-23T09:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend Ol' LFH went on a roadtrip to Hunt Valley, MD. Let me tell you right now, you know you're in Maryland as soon as the humidity hits you. Then it's the crabs. LFH has had his share of crabs in his time. He doesn't need anymore! Hell no.

I was in town for an autograph signing at some convention. What the hell, I thought. I can meet the fans, get back in touch with the little people who pay me the money and maybe spread a bit of Ol' LFH around to those that need it. What a mistake!

Believe me when I tell you... NEVER AGAIN!

Who the hell are these people? All I can say is, I didn't know they made that flavor of crazy; and I'm not sure they should be making popcicles.

Now, LFH is as open minded as the next guy. As long as the next guy is John Saxon or Chuck Heston.

There was one guy that kept hounding me the entire time. I already signed his collectible LFH lunchbox, and took a picture with him! What more does he want from Ol' LFH? Maybe a little of the salami? He's not getting that! I should have taken a picture of him. You would not believe this guy. About 5'8, 270lbs. Bright red hair pulled back in a ponytail. Some kind of damned sunglasses. A fucking tweed jacket with suede elbow patches over a Fan Boy LFH t-shirt and blue jeans!

He looked like Harry Knowles' smarter, handsomer brother. That's not saying much, if you know what I mean!

The guy would not let up with the damnably stupid questions! Ol' LFH can only take so much stupidity in one dose, and this guy was bringing the pharmacy!

I did get to audition a few ladies to play the part of the next Mrs. LFH while I was there, if you know what I mean! But the fun stopped there.

Never again!

5 Questions With Ol' LFH!

2005-07-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

Caught this over on Stewie's blog.
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I asked the Ultra East Coast Cool Stewie, to interview me. I will answer the questions shortly, but first, I am contractually obligated to explain the rules to this inquisitive round-robin. Here are the instructions: 1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below saying "Interview me." "Blow me" or "Eat me" are not acceptable substitutes. 2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. I'll post the questions in the comments section of this post. 3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. 4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post on your blog. 5. When others comment, asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
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1. While generally cider has more alcohol than most beers out there, there is a stigma attached to it that men who drink cider are pussies. What do you think?

I think men who worry about other people worrying about what they drink are pussies.

2. I was once in an elevator with a woman who had a very low-cut blouse. When she caught me looking at her cleavage, she scoffed, gave me a dirty look and turned away. I think she must have known when she shoved her boobs into her shirt that morning that people may glance. What would you have done if you were in my shoes?

Ol' LFH has been in those moccasins many times, my friend. Many times! I'd have done what I always do. I would have 'accidentally' dropped my car keys down her breast crack and then gone after them. Works every time!

3. 1986 was a big year for you as it was the year of Aliens. It was also the year of Hands Across America. Did you participate? If so, who’s hands did you hold? If not, why not?

First of all, thank you sir, thank you! I did not participate, although there were more than few PAs on Aliens that felt my hands acrossed them!

4. What is your idea of a perfect romantic evening?

There is no such thing as a perfect romantic evening. But if it ends up with breakfast in bed, you got mighty close, son. Mighty close!

5. What is the best way to kill a man?

It all depends on how or why you want him dead. Say for instance, you walk in on him banging your wife. You just don't want him dead, you want him to die painfully. Cutting off his testicles and letting him bleed to death is always a good option. What if it's a good buddy who got bit by a zombie and you need to put him out of his misery? The testicle trick would just add insult to injury! A shot to the back of his head right at the base of his skull with a low caliber handgun would be quick and painless. If you can move like a cheetah, he won't even know what him. It would just be lights out, hello St. Peter! It's not even messy, either; so it's like helping him and you out.

Everybody Wants A Piece of Me

2005-06-27T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've been in Madagascar on holiday, running wild and naked with the natives during the day; hitting the hot spots at night and partying like a rabid wildebeast. I haven't even thought about Hollywood or this interweb thing! I get back in yesterday afternoon and what do I find? Countless messages from my management telling me the fans are in an uproar because ol' LFH hasn't posted on this blog in awhile!

You know what I have to say about that? A big fuck you. That's right. Ol' LFH needs some R&R every once in awhile, even from his adored fans! Hell, I was only gone a month! Some so-called celebrities claim they wouldn't be anything without their fans, and they're right. Because they suck otherwise. Tom Cruise couldn't even be a decent shoe salesman if you tossed him out in the real world!

But you know what? With or without fans, I'm still goddammed Lance Fucking Henriksen. Always have, always will be! I keep the shiny side up!

Don't get ol' LFH wrong. I love you all, in a manly way. But I need some me time, too! I don't know what the regular people do to get away from it all, but I was killing wild boars with my bare hands! I stitched together my Magwan blood brother after he was trampled by a herd of antelope! I drank the blood from a 300 year old sea turtle after it had been brewed into a slightly halucinogenic potion so I could have visions of what was to come in the year ahead!

I'm back now, so you can all relax now.

But don't relax for too long. The year ahead looks damn interesting. I don't know if it was the turtle blood or a trick of the light and too much champagne; but I think we're in for a bumpy 365! In one vision I was ripping the legs off of a giant 8 foot spider. Then later that night I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow was gone!

LFH is back home and all is right with the world. Bring me the head of Ralph Macchio!

I Get Even More Fan Mail

2005-05-17T19:25:00.000-07:00

You guys don't let me sleep!

Mr. LFH,

I am very happy to see that you are now answering fan mail, because I have a problem I think only you can help me with.You see, all my friends think I'm a virgin, but I'm not. I've laid lots of times.I even have a girlfriend, but they wouldn't know her, she lives in Canada.How can I get them to believe me?

The first thing you've got to do is take off those diapers and start trying to be a man for once! Then you need to get your punk ass up to Canada and video tape your exploits to bring back to your friends. Or, bring her down for a wild weekend of hot sex with you and your buddies. You can invite old LFH too. Pics please thanks.

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Lance,

Do you cosplay?

What the hell is that? Sounds gay. LFH doesn't do the gay.

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That's all for today kids!

I Get More Fan Mail

2005-05-16T08:23:00.000-07:00

You can't be in the movies that give Fan Boys wet dreams without getting a lot of mail. This damn interweb makes it even easier for some 28 year old basement dweller to take the time off from his Dr. Who Club to shoot old LFH a stupid ass question. Here are some of the latest.

If you don't see your email here, it's because it was stupid. For your answer, just imagine me saying that to you. Over and over again. Everytime you start to say, "But..." picture me saying, "That was a stupid question, now get the fuck out." Because in real life, that's what would happen.

Dear LFH,

In AVP you play the real Bishop, but you die. So did you already invent the robots or were they created in your image by your company years later? Doesn't that make you like Data, sort of?

What the fuck are you talking about? What's a Data? I'm an actor. Say it with me. ACTOR. I don't write this shit, and I certainly don't think about it beyond the 86 page script and multi-million dollar paycheck! But since you asked, I always assumed they were made in the image of LFH himself! Since you like robots so much you should know I was going to be the original Terminator. In the future, all killer robots are going to look like LFH. Because I kick ass.

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Dear LFH,

I was watching one of my old VHS tapes of Millenium, and I have many intriguing questions. [SNIP! LFH only answers 1 question per email! I've edited out all of your Fan Boy nonsense and chose the most interesting one. - LFH] I was watching "Midnight of the Century" Episode: #2.10 and you were drinking a Pepsi. Then, in "Somehow, Satan Got Behind Me" Episode: #2.21 you were in a diner and ordered a Coke. This was highly confusing and has created a big rift at my Sailor Moon club. Please settle this argument before we come to blows!

WTF? I don't even remember those episodes! As for the Coke or Pepsi argument; I'll drink anything as long as it's got a shot a whiskey in it! Hope that helps!

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Dear LFH,

At the end of Sasquatch, why did you not just kill Sasquatch? You had your bare hands. For you, that should have been more than enough.

If I fought Sasquatch, it would've been! But the problem is, I was playing a real life person in that movie. I can't help it if that real life person was a pussy!

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Dear LFH,

If you and John Saxon got in a fight, who would win?

Excellent question! John's an old pal, and a hell of a guy! He fought Sasquatch first (and won!) on the 6 Million Dollar Man, Freddy Krueger in the original Nightmare on Elm Street, and was the late, great, Bruce Lee's best friend!

To answer your question though, I'd kick his ass! What the fuck are you thinking? How could I not, I'm LFH!

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If you have a question for me, LANCE FUCKING HENRIKSEN!, post it under comments and I'll get back to you at half past whenever the hell I feel like it.

Peace out, cats.

My New Mini Series

2005-04-19T16:51:00.000-07:00

I've been working on a new TV mini series for a network I can't mention. It's called Super Nova and it also stars Luke Perry, Henry Fonda and Tia Carrere.

Tia's not bad looking, she needs bigger boobs though. That's neither here nor there, just this one man's opinion.

Every day on the set Luke Perry would come out of his trailer, try to hang around with ol' LFH and be his buddy. The kid's a complete putz. Fucking waste of space if there could be such a thing. Don't know what you'd put in his space though. Maybe Tia Carrere's new boobs?

Peter Fonda's not a bad guy though. He's even older than me! As an actor though, he's the weakest Fonda. Next would be his sister Hanoi Jane, then that cute chick with the hot ass. I forget her name, then Henry.

Peter kept dropping acid on the set and got so fucked up he took a crap in Luke Perry's trailer. Right on the goddamn chair!

Peter Fonda rocks.

I Get Fan Mail

2005-04-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Dear Lance,

Try this revolutionary product, CIALIS Soft Tabs. Cialis Soft Tabs is the new impotence treatment drug that everyone is talking about. Soft Tabs acts up to 36 hours, compare this to
only two or three hours of Viagra action! The active ingredient is Tadalafil, same as in brand Cialis.

Simply dissolve half a pill under your tongue, 10 min before sex, for the best erections you've ever had! Soft Tabs also have less sidebacks (you can drive or mix alcohol
drinks with them). No prior prescription needed.

Sharlene Jensen, sjensen@apss.at
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Sharlene,

Thanks for taking the time to write ol' LFH!

No need to worry. I may be 65, but the old hog is working like it did when I was 16. I appreciate the thought though.

Next time send a pic, OK?

Tell it like it is!

LFH

Don't Tell Anyone You Read It Here...

2005-04-18T02:13:00.000-07:00

I made the mistake of telling someone I know about this blog. You know who he is. He's an old friend. We've been in several movies together.

Anyways, he says to me: Lance, you fucking rule. You need to tell everyone about this blog.

No way, I say. That's not keepin' it real. I don't want to tell anyone about this blog. I hope everyone reads it, but I don't want anyone to know it exists.

Everyone knows LFH keeps it real. 24/7.

That makes no fucking sense! he said.

Maybe so, I said, but you know what? Who fucking cares?

Then I popped him in the jaw and left his ass for dead. I don't need to take that shit from anybody.

I'm Lance Fucking Henriksen. I write this blog for myself. I don't care that nobody reads it, even if I want them to read it in a really bad way.

Go buy a copy of Near Dark and help me keep the lights on around here.

I Am Pumpkinhead

2005-04-17T01:20:00.000-07:00

Back in '89 I made a movie called Pumpkinhead. It was about some yokel legend where you can conjure up this vengeful thing called Pumpkinhead to seek revenge on those who have done you wrong. The price is, once the revenge is exacted Pumpkinhead goes away, you become the next Pumpkinhead. Or some bullshit. I don't remember, it was 16 years ago for crissakes.

I think there is a little Pumpkinhead in all of us. Especially in ol' LFH.

Some days you eat the bear, some days the bear eats you. Don't worry, LFH eats you and the bear every day. Every goddammed day.

I was in another movie called Super Mario Bros in '93. I played the king. THE FUCKING KING.

See any correlation here?

I'm LFH and I kick ass.

Sing it like you bring it, bro. Just bring it all day long.

Other People's Blogs

2005-04-16T03:30:00.000-07:00

I've been randomly surfing other people's blogs for quite some time. Most of them have 1 important thing in common.

They suck.

That's why I created this blog. I don't care about keeping in touch with fans or letting people know what a stupendous life I lead. I wanted to make sure that there was at least 1 blog in the world that didn't suck.

This blog rocks. Why? Because its written by me.

By now you lilly lipped, lizard licking pansies are probably wetting yourself over the imagined indignities you're suffering because of I insulted your blog.

I don't care.

I don't have to.

I'm Lance Fucking Henriksen.

Hello

2005-04-16T03:00:00.000-07:00

Hello.

I'm Lance Fucking Henriksen, and this is my blog.

You know who I am. I don't have to tell you.

Google the damn thing if you don't believe me.

I was supposed to be the original Terminator. I could still kick that pansy Schwarzwhatever's ass, and I'll be 65 next month.

I keep it real. So should you.

Fight the good fight.

Rent Dog Day Afternoon.

Grab life by the short hairs.

I'm Lance Fucking Henriksen and I approve this message.